Splashdiving World Championships

Splashdiving (Arschebombe)

Article by: © Michael J. Rosen 2012

"Splashdiving Is...a Community for Girls, Boys, and Especially Freaks"*

We've all seen a 16-year-old, 4-foot-11-inches, 85-pound Olympic diver execute a flawless 2 1/2 somersaulting dive with 1 1/2 twists (degree of difficulty 3.4, for those who are counting), falling from 10 meters (about 33 feet) and traveling over 25 miles per hour, only to enter the water like a raindrop-a pre-pubescent Chinese raindrop, the sort you hear plink-plinking on your acupuncturist's soundtrack.

If the summer Olympic Games ever decided to hold an Opposite Day, German Splashdiving (or Arschbombe, which translates-not even loosely-as "ass bomb") would be a featured event. Not only are competitors rewarded for the size and volume of their intentionally explosive splashes, but the creators of the official championships have even concocted genuine nomenclature for those lackadaisical terms such as "can opener," "pancake," and "cannonball" used by 12-year-olds trying to grab the attention of the foxy high-school lifeguard by soaking her up in the chair.

With co-sponsors such as Fanta, Nestlé, Mitsubishi, Speedo, and Mentos (which has even given its name to the Mentos Fresh on Tour competitions), the sport now attracts divers from several European countries, Australia, and the Philippines-the smack of cold water against bare flesh must be a kind of Esperanto.

Platform splashdivers execute stylistic and complicated mid-air somersaults and twists, but with off-balance, skewed, and torqued techniques. Basically, the more you veer from Olympian grace and alignment, the more your on-looking family cringes, the crowd roars, the points escalate, and your belly-smacked flesh reddens.

As divers get better and better (what sensitive-to-pain observers call "worse and worse"), they move up the Bombing Bounce, a ranking system with levels that include hopper, jumper, diver, master, champion, and baron. (Ah, just like the learn-to-swim levels...pollywog, turtle, minnow, porpoise, and, finally, whale. So why isn't "whale" the pinnacle of splashdiving talent as well?)

Many baron splashdivers also perform exhibition dives. Three-time world champion Christian "Elvis" Guth once jumped 25 meters (about 82 feet) from a crane. For true bash brothers, there is also the synchro competition, along with junior events for boys overly eager to say they're "master barons" in polite company. To train, most athletes begin by splashdiving from the pool edge of a splashdiving-friendly neighborhood Schwimmbad. According to the official splashdiving Web site, "a public pool suitable for Splashdiving™ must meet the following criteria: Diving platform; allow Splashdiving."

Although the rules for practicing aren't stringent, according to Australian splashdiver Joey Zuber, in order to be a champion, one was must possess "the pain tolerance of the Germans....They don't feel anything in their arses!"

Looking to sew a new patch on your swim suit? Join the bombing bouncers at www.splashdiving.com.*

No Dribbling the Squid

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