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Croquet Variations
Article by: © Michael J. Rosen 2012
"Gullies, Rocks, and Chiggers Provide the Crucible for Champions."
Croquet rhymes with "play" as in, "Care to play croquet? The lawn has been freshly mown and my whites, nicely pressed!" It does not rhyme with "sweat" as in, "Croquet, like golf, is designed for those who shun the very idea of breaking into a sweat." (Croquette, that little crunchy fried morsel, does rhymes with "sweat," and so ends today's French lesson.) The epitome of backyard recreation, the sport gained popularity in England in the mid-19th century and arrived in America once there was cargo room on the ships for discretionary items such as brightly colored wooden balls.
In the basic game, players alternate shots, using a wooden mallet to hit the ball through a course of wickets arranged on a closely cropped, weed-free lawn. Once a ball is shot through all the wickets, it must strike a final stake before completing the course in reverse. Points and extra shots are awarded for scoring wickets, finishing in the least number of shots, and roqueting-that is, knocking away other players' balls with a satisfying, "I am owning this game!" After the game, some players have tea and crumpets, use the word "jolly," and continue to perpetuate what Americans consider British stereotypes.
Ah, but once things leave merry old England, they rapidly gain street cred: Take, for examples, Thomas Paine, David Beckham, The Beatles, and such croquet corruptions as:
- Toequet, in which players kick a soccer ball through enlarged wickets
- Golf Croquet, ideally played on a "green," where points are awarded only by scoring an individual wicket before your opponent
- Bicycle Croquet, a cycling version of the game where players swing their mallets while riding
Sure, these may have evolved from a British import, but they're a helluva lot more respectable than quoits or skittles.
For more variations on the everyday croquet take a peek at Extreme Croquet and Mondo Croquet.
Hot Shots
At Seattle's Lakewood Croquet Club, their motto is: "Mallets plus morons equals mayhem." (Remember that one for the next time you're hunting for a needlepoint pillow design or a temporary tattoo idea.) Not only does the club possess an affinity for alliteration, but members condone cheating; they train their dogs and children to move the balls to the owner/parent's advantage. And they speak in "grating approximations of British accents" during play, using a lexicon all their own for innovative shots that include:
The Shuffleboard Shot: Probably the most widely used move, it's a variation of a shuffleboard shove. The player sets up low to the ground, often on his or her knees, and slides the mallet along the ground, striking the ball with the flat top of the mallet (rather than either of the two striking surfaces). This shot "butts" the ball, to create an accurate hit across a short distance.
The Pool Shot: Yep, this one is carried out like a billiards shot. The ball is struck by the handle-end of the mallet. The shot is ideal for when a player wants to "jump" his ball over an opponent's ball.
The Corkscrew of Death: A Shuffleboard Shot with flair. The player first holds up the mallet, spins it quickly in his or her hands, and yells out, "All must fear the Corkscrew of Death!" in his or her best British accent.
No Dribbling the Squid
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