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America Bizarro
America Bizarro by Nelson Taylor
America Bizarro is a unique travel guide that celebrates humorously interesting, pop-culture kitschy and off-the-map odd festivals, out-of-the-way gatherings, kooky conventions, conferences and contests throughout the United States. Whether the subject is music, sports, arts, food, nature, dance, the paranormal or the uncategoried strange, this is the real deal, uncensored and authentic -- the one-of-a-kind who, what, when, where and how of offbeat America.
My first adventure into the oddball underbelly of America was in August of 1998, covering the National Hobo Convention for Bikini magazine. When I stumbled upon the convention in Chase's Calendar of Events, I was surprised to know that there were still hobos hopping freights, much less meeting every year to drink heavily, mourn passed brethren, discuss the state of the American hobo and elect a King and Queen. I was hooked. And after doing only a small amount of research, I pitched it to my editor, Rob Hill. He loved it.
I did not dig too deep into hobo culture before arriving in Britt, Iowa, the undisputed home away from the tracks for countless rail riders. I wanted to experience that world on its own terms with no preconceived notions. What I found was much more than I ever expected, a microcosm of America, a vast alterna-culture gathering of men and women who are as complex and diverse as folks in the "real" world. I met Windy City Tom, a bicycle hobo and musician from Chicago, Shadow (a recovering heroin addict) and Speedy, an early 20s hobo couple selling their poems and photographs; Bandana, a part-time hobo and homosexual Catholic priest from Indiana; New York Slim, a 6'4" African American hobo and Vietnam Vet; and Steamtrain Maury, a retired graybeard hobo from the bygone days. I met many others from every age bracket and every different background, all with rough-textured reasons for living the way they do.
Sitting around the campfire constantly burning in the hobo jungle, listening to stories about scrapping metal and barely out-smarting the railroad cops (bulls), I fully realized my fascination for people living on the fringe of society and the ways that they roll and tumble and especially celebrate their lives. So I continued my search, discovering questionable events in small hamlets like Viola, Minnesota, whose residents trap the gophers that jeopardize their crops, hack their legs off, and then save them until the annual Gopher Count, where the legs fetch a pretty price. On the lighter side I found towns like Beaver, Oklahoma, whose World Cow Chip Throwing Contest not only puts them on the national map, but brings needed revenue to a struggling economy.
Knee-deep in backroad America, I met interesting people, like L-Bow, the local color of East Dublin, Georgia and spokesman Summer Redneck Games, where fat men in overalls bob for pigs feet and their women compete for the big hair crown. Then there's Phillip Calhoun, the 1999 winner of Longview, Texas' Hands on Hard Body Contest, who for two months after the event woke up every morning with his hands on his bed waiting for the whistle so he could pee. Or who can forget Burger Fest royalty like Violet Guaerke, the only-surviving daughter of Seymour, Wisconsin's very own Charlie Nagreen, father of the American hamburger. Hearing her chant her father's sales pitch -- "Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger hot, with an onion in the middle and a pickle on top, makes your lips go flippity-flop." -- well, it sent chills up my spine.
Beginning to regularly cover such strange events like the Pickle Fest, the Bald is Beautiful Convention, the Great American Bathtub Race, the Coon Dog Graveyard Celebration, and the World's Largest Machine Gun Shoot for Bikini and other magazines such as Maxim and Bizarre, which is in the U.K., I realized that this world of strange happenings had never been collected into a tongue-in-cheek, reader-friendly guidebook geared toward the physical traveler and the armchair traveler alike. Let's face it, unique, authentic experiences in America are growing harder and harder to find. But America Bizarro is packed with fresh fodder for done-it-all, seen-it-all explorers.
Why a particular event made the cut is based on personal criteria for what is either humorous or unique. Yet, I still had to lay down some ground rules. As one would expect, there are oodles of similar events around the country. For instance, there are many rattlesnake round-ups, but there is only one World's Largest Rattlesnake Round-Up, and that's in Sweetwater, Texas. In each case, I included only one. Every entry falls under one of the following categories: largest, oldest or most unique. Sure, an extenuating circumstance occurs now and then, and those are based on their humor factor alone.
There are also many events that didn't make it into this book. Although bizarre, religious and racial bashing events, such as KKK gatherings, were avoided, because I can find nothing humorous about a history rich in hate. From the get-go, I also decided that I would steer clear of Civil War reenactments, mountain men rendezvous, renaissance festivals, and parades (for the most part), as they are each a whole world in themselves, worlds worthy of guidebook of their own. And there are certainly many events that deserve to be included but are not because they are either too unorganized, or I was not able to unearth them from the vast American landscape. Having said that, I do feel that this book only scratches the surface of what is actually out there, which opens the door for Part Deux in the near future. Many smaller towns don't have a voice, such as a tourism board or a chamber of commerce. And there are probably lots of events out there that a local chamber doesn't wish to promote, for whatever reason. If you know of an event that you feel I have overlooked, please don't hesitate to write me a note. My email address is included at the end of this Introduction.
All said and done, there's some interesting pop-culture trivia that this book catalogues. It goes without saying that some states are more bizarre than others. In general, and as might be expected, the West Coast is more bizarre than the rest of the country. The Top Five Most Bizarre States, in order, are Texas, California, Arkansas, Illinois and Wisconsin. I was very surprised by the latter three. Honorable mentions go to Alaska, Washington and Colorado. Conversely, the Top Five Lamest States, in order, are Rhode Island, Idaho, New Hampshire, Vermont, and a tie for fifth place between Delaware and Iowa. Less than honorable mentions go to North Dakota, Oklahoma and Nebraska. These eight states have little to no sense of humor. Shame on you bad states.
Finally, I want to say that if I have offended you, your hobby, your passion or your civic pride, please accept my sincerest apology; that is not my goal. My intention is to present an informative, breezy, and humorous document that views America through a kaleidoscope of colors. I believe that if we can't laugh at ourselves we will never truly understand the glory of a country filled with so many different people. I hope you have as much fun with this as I had researching and writing it. Now...welcome to America Bizarro.
Nelson Taylor
